this time i mean it, it's a forreal thing.

i know excuses, excuses. But this time i really mean it. i am giving up, throwing in the towel. truely putting an end to it all. if he wants this, by all means chase it. i need to stop putting him as my first to everything. it's like a bad addicition. when i'm sad or lonely he's the first one i go running too. it's like people that overeat when they are bored, or neverless, it's pathetic. a really good and loved friend once said to me, never make somebody a priority, when they only put you as their option. it really is that unhealthy. along with my eating patterns and the fact that i havent been working out, so no more excuses around the table. i need to get my shit straight. im starting my diet, and im starting the excercizing. and most importantly, i'm quitting the boy, from now only no running, and no back tracking. if you want it come and get it, cause chances are if you don't come to me, i wasn't heading your way.

why lie when you could have just sent me on my way.

why do people say things, only for the hurt to really hit in the end? why do that act a certain way only to throw there real actions in your face later on. why cant you let me move the fuck on, its like you know that exact moment where you should step in before i walk away for good. you give one good hour and three bad days. you take away my strength even though i've been doing very good. even when you shouldn't you always have the upper hand. why? i want the upper hand, i've had it twice, and uhhh i love it. but i can tell i'm not going to get that power back for a long ass time. i got to earn it, and work for it, instead of being the flimsy little fuck that i am and give in. i'm doing that today if you wanted to know, throwing in the towel and apologizing and when i shouldn't. i am being the bitchhh. given in and saying im sorry. i am that pathetic, i understand. but for something people aren't going to believe me on is this is the last time, its march for fuck sake, like its march. i know you are probably thinking whyy march, well march is when i promised to make changes, and im going through it. and no one stops me when im set on something. no more false hopes, words, or feelings. i need to take care of myself in times like these, and i have really been slacking.

how do you teach an old dog new tricks?

have you ever noticed that the things people want the most in life are unavailable to them, no matter how much explaining someone can do, i still will never understand. see here is this girl who loves this boy, and the boy doesn't love her like that, and just drags her ass around, but when the girl finally finds a boy, the old one wants her so bad. starts acting like the perfect catch. seems pretty fucking wonderful if you ask me. hahahahhaa, but really it's a funny situaiton, cause the girl obviously still loves the boy but she knows when she makes herself available, he'll go back to his old ways. so how do you teach an old dog new tricks??? you don't, you settle for the way things are and build a fucking stupid shitty as bridge and get the fuck over it, cause people don't change. especially if they are not willing too. so what should the girl do, well we know that she will still pine for the old "dog" but maybe, just maybe she needs to let him go, and never look back. cause once you do, theres no looking foward again.

and just as the beat hits our ears, rings a familiar match to someone we know.

i like to think about the things that are not mentioned. not subjects that no one talk about. but things other people must think about but keep to themselves. like lately i have been going out a lot more. probably cause i'm trying to fill the void of a sudden absenty, but i have been coming across so many new people. and the best thing you can learn about a person (in my opinon of course) is what type of music that they like. whenever you are riding in a car with someone and they put on there "tunes" its like you are learning so much about a person. it's kind of like every artist, every song has a following of people, and it's a great thing to notice. like i can recognize the type of music and songs that black and "ghetto" or what you may call it listens too. the ill "tough" type white kid with the old school eminem. the obvious hardcore, but is it local? or popularized. the ditzy chick who loves all radio music. the kids that pretend to like lil wayne but the only songs onto which they can muster lyrics is the "popular" ones. all types of music tells a story. and it's almost like with every story comes something really cool. and great part of all people is music. if you haven't ever thought of this, i would. it gets rather intreging, and it makes you truely think where you fit in. i mean, you may already know, but if your anything like me, or like the millions of people in the world, you have no idea either.

why?

why do we as humans put ourselfs through the things that we do. why do we try to please people we will never be able to please. why do we keep giving, even when we don't have the means to keep handing out. why do we keep trying to make ourselves the perfect person, when in reality we will never be good enough. why do we make ourselves miserable, just for the chance to make someone else a little bit happier. i know me, the classic people pleaser. never can i say no, which tends to mean that everyone else lives the high life as i get screwed. thoughts like these make me a non-believer. if there really is a god out there, he wouldn't want to put us through this kind of shit. he wouldn't want us to be set up for failer, and he wouldn't want us to be in shitty situations where one person gets all the luck and the other falls on there ass. and i would be that person that would fall on there ass. see i need to always get my way, there really is no compromise in my life. so if it comes to me only getting my way kinda, i'll say fuck you real quick and take nothing. for a perfect example i am incredibaly in love with my best friend. everything about him. to his perfect green eyes, the way he smells, his strong face, defined nose, perfect hands, vainy (strong looking) arms, wonderful smile. the way that he has to be right at all times or he'll have a fit. how he always fights for what he believes in, or how he could kick anyones ass, or how he really doesn't give a fuck and he does what he thinks is right. how he is so comforting to be around, always making everyone laugh, and i love how comfortable he makes me feel, that i could literally hold onto him for days. i can't have him, and so most would try to move on, but i make myself miserable and fight for something i will never get. i have had my friends say that we would be perfect together, and then his friends and BEST friends come to me and say the same thing. which brings me back to why. why do i do this to myself. why haven't i learned to give up. why cant i step away and never look back. i think i am a weak person. i have basically told myself that i will stick it out forever and if i get nothing, i get nothing, and if i get something then i will cherish it forever. but since i get nothing i have to think why? whywhywhy, its because i'm ugly, fat, annoying, i don't do enough for him. this is the craziest rant ever, but all i ever find myself asking is why? for three little letters it has the a rather large response. but its the times where we can't find a following that really gets us stuck. sometimes i feel like i will never get my awnser. that this will always be some kind of crazy mystery to me. sometimes i think the reason "why" is my pay back from being a bad person, so which i feel like i deserve to suffer. but "why" would one person deserve this type of crazed misery over another? i don't think its fair. some get all the luck, while others get none. me, sure my life doesn't suck, but i feel completely lost in the department of love. my birth parents never loved me, so they gave me away. my step parents didn't love me, therefore they abused me, and him, where there is no explanation at all except emptyness, which comes to "why" can't i have love, and "why" don't i deserve you, or even a chance. i don't ever get chances. maybe cause i used them all up in another department, in the love department i'm empty. writing always seemed to fill a void in me, but even when it comes down to the subjects of why? i am completely lost.

stuck in an uncomfortable situation

i never felt so miss directed in my entire life. like what do i plan on doing? certainly not working at subway forever. nowayatall. i fucking hate it there. but really its a job, and there are none out there these days so i feel like i should suck it up. they give me shit hours though, and i feel like i have to become there bitch to stay there. sometimes i look at others that are going to college and am like, damnnn i should have done that. but college wasn't me, it still isn't. i wanna do something, some type of class that shows me a light on the way to an actual life other than "crack head" status. .. we had one of them at my job, four kids, a million babydaddys, and rather buy herself drugs than her kids christmas gifts. that isn't going to be me. not at all. i am determined to make a nice cushy life for myself when i grow up. i wanna be able to do the things that my parents do and so on. nice trips, fun vacations, all the good life. i wanna be able to take a week off from work and still have money. this lifestyle i understand takes a while. it takes patience and time. i would be more okay with this if i had some type of direction i was going in, but i don't. so for now i feel a bit stuck.

every new start needs a fundamental beginning

nothing is ever satisfying enough, as humans we always gravatate to which we will get the most out of everything, but without give, there is no recieving. as much as i want to lose weight, i have to stop gorging (eating) at every whim. i want/need more money, welllll i should probably stop spending it all on drugs. i want him to love me as much as i love him, well i should probably stop being the rediculous clingy bastard that i am capable of. i want to grow up and be treated like an adult, well i need to start taking some responsibility for my actions. i loook back on my life and i used to rolll with the good ones. i mean i was always a bitch, it was kinda in my genes, but i never really made bad descions, sure if i stuck down my old path i still would socialize drink party, but nothing like i have come across now. i blame everyone else for who i am today. "you had me do this, or you corupted me, or you made my life how it is now." but really they didn't, yes they did the things they did first, and they appealed to me. but i made the decisions to follow along. never once did a drug get forced into my mouth, drink poured down my throat, or my pants get cut off from another man. i made ever decision in my life, whether it was a concious decision, or clouded judgement i made the decision, and the reason why things are like they are, are because of me. and i can't force it on to anyone else. its just one of those things that makes you look differently on your life, and makes you rreally ponder who the fuck you are as a person.