stuck in an uncomfortable situation

i never felt so miss directed in my entire life. like what do i plan on doing? certainly not working at subway forever. nowayatall. i fucking hate it there. but really its a job, and there are none out there these days so i feel like i should suck it up. they give me shit hours though, and i feel like i have to become there bitch to stay there. sometimes i look at others that are going to college and am like, damnnn i should have done that. but college wasn't me, it still isn't. i wanna do something, some type of class that shows me a light on the way to an actual life other than "crack head" status. .. we had one of them at my job, four kids, a million babydaddys, and rather buy herself drugs than her kids christmas gifts. that isn't going to be me. not at all. i am determined to make a nice cushy life for myself when i grow up. i wanna be able to do the things that my parents do and so on. nice trips, fun vacations, all the good life. i wanna be able to take a week off from work and still have money. this lifestyle i understand takes a while. it takes patience and time. i would be more okay with this if i had some type of direction i was going in, but i don't. so for now i feel a bit stuck.

every new start needs a fundamental beginning

nothing is ever satisfying enough, as humans we always gravatate to which we will get the most out of everything, but without give, there is no recieving. as much as i want to lose weight, i have to stop gorging (eating) at every whim. i want/need more money, welllll i should probably stop spending it all on drugs. i want him to love me as much as i love him, well i should probably stop being the rediculous clingy bastard that i am capable of. i want to grow up and be treated like an adult, well i need to start taking some responsibility for my actions. i loook back on my life and i used to rolll with the good ones. i mean i was always a bitch, it was kinda in my genes, but i never really made bad descions, sure if i stuck down my old path i still would socialize drink party, but nothing like i have come across now. i blame everyone else for who i am today. "you had me do this, or you corupted me, or you made my life how it is now." but really they didn't, yes they did the things they did first, and they appealed to me. but i made the decisions to follow along. never once did a drug get forced into my mouth, drink poured down my throat, or my pants get cut off from another man. i made ever decision in my life, whether it was a concious decision, or clouded judgement i made the decision, and the reason why things are like they are, are because of me. and i can't force it on to anyone else. its just one of those things that makes you look differently on your life, and makes you rreally ponder who the fuck you are as a person.