every new start needs a fundamental beginning

nothing is ever satisfying enough, as humans we always gravatate to which we will get the most out of everything, but without give, there is no recieving. as much as i want to lose weight, i have to stop gorging (eating) at every whim. i want/need more money, welllll i should probably stop spending it all on drugs. i want him to love me as much as i love him, well i should probably stop being the rediculous clingy bastard that i am capable of. i want to grow up and be treated like an adult, well i need to start taking some responsibility for my actions. i loook back on my life and i used to rolll with the good ones. i mean i was always a bitch, it was kinda in my genes, but i never really made bad descions, sure if i stuck down my old path i still would socialize drink party, but nothing like i have come across now. i blame everyone else for who i am today. "you had me do this, or you corupted me, or you made my life how it is now." but really they didn't, yes they did the things they did first, and they appealed to me. but i made the decisions to follow along. never once did a drug get forced into my mouth, drink poured down my throat, or my pants get cut off from another man. i made ever decision in my life, whether it was a concious decision, or clouded judgement i made the decision, and the reason why things are like they are, are because of me. and i can't force it on to anyone else. its just one of those things that makes you look differently on your life, and makes you rreally ponder who the fuck you are as a person.